I like to make sure everyone I care about and that I think might be around for my final days knows my final wishes. Here they are, for all the internet to see–make sure they’re followed to a T.
#1. By no means should anyone go into debt over a funeral for me. Don’t pay those funeral parlors any cash, no matter how many velvet chairs they have to sit on. That death industry is quite a racket. Don’t pay for an expensive ugly casket, and DON’T get me emb*lmed. It’s really bad for the environment.
#2. Just throw me in the river or something. Ideally I would be buried at my cabin, but I’m pretty sure there are some laws about body transport or burial or something, so in that case either make me a coffin, or cremate me and put me in a pinata. Ok? The North House Folk School in Grand Marias has a class about building your own coffin. But I’m not going to prepare that far ahead, because then I have to drag it everywhere I go for literally the rest of my life. They’ve got the coolest classes.
#3: I want a tombstone that looks something like this:
I want it in a sort of public place so that when people walk past it it creeps them out. But I don’t want to be buried under it. The reason I’m afraid of being buried is because of zombies. Seriously. What if my body comes back to life? Like in Pet Cemetery? I’d rather avoid that issue. It would be nice if an old picture of me could be attached to the tombstone in a little locket. They have a lot of those in Hibbing, and my grandparents used to bring me to the cemetery all the time to visit the dead people and those photos really used to get to me.
#4. Finally. Throw a wild party for the funeral ok? NO PRIESTS allowed! Make it a potluck to cut down on cost, and maybe if I know in advance when I’m going to die, I’ll put aside some cash to buy a whiskey fountain. Maybe there could be a dance party and some drugs and cute outfits and sparkles thrown into the air. Ok? Ok. Thanks! Maybe there could be one of those picture boards of me making funny faces and then you could all read my diaries. And will a kind Bette Midler out there take care of whatever living creature I have as my ward a la Beaches? Thanks, you’re warming my heart!
If these aren’t followed, I’m going to haunt you! I will be sooo annoying!